The waters rough, but this love is ours

Gosh, I could just talk about Natalie to anyone who will listen for hours on end. She is my world, the reason for everything that I do in my life. She is so smart, I can already tell that she will have so much success in her life.

Having a child is one of the most beautiful and scary things in the world. They keep you on your toes all while you're jumping up and down cheering them on. I never new absolute bliss until I had Natalie.

I never knew true love until she leaned in to kiss me or hug me, it means everything to me when she gives me that cute little smile of pats my cheek. I can not wait until the day that she can say 'i love you too'.

Go ahead and sell me out and I'll leave your shit bare

Change is never easy.
Change causes arguments, uncertainty, and even war.

I am at war with myself. I am uncertain with myself. Things could be so different if I could take control of every situation I'm in. But instead I stay silent and then get told I'm playing 'the victim'.

I'm tired. No, I'm sick and tired of hurting, of the unknown, of being told I'm something I'm not or vice versa.
Twenty-one and I feel trapped in a forty year old mindset.

I love the people in my life but I've never been unsure of happiness before..

Please understand if I see you again don't even say hello

I'm so tired of always being pushed around. Double standards are literally what is killing all of my relationships. Its perfectly fine for so and so to do this but GOD FORBID if Haley does that. I seriously have to walk on eggshells in almost every aspect of my life.

Once someone learns how easy it is to break me down they use it in every way to their advantage. I can't count the times I put my everything into something, into someone, just to be pushed aside or to be taken advantage of. The crazy thing is, I continue to let people treat me like this repeatedly even after they have hurt me so many times.

I do nothing but love all of the people in my life. I give them absolutely every part of my heart, my soul, my everything and yet I still get repeatedly stomped on. As much as I want them to be happy don't I deserve happiness as well?

It hurts when someone asks something of me and I ask something in return and get pushed aside. I'm tired of crying and groveling when someone isn't happy with something I do.

When is it my turn to not really care what people think? When is it my turn to stomp all over someone's feelings without any remorse? When is it my time to stand up for myself?

Never. And would you like to know why? Because I will always be that person standing in the corner watching other people have fun while i'm doing all of the work. I will always be that person subjected to staying in the bedroom doing some boring task for someone while the rest of the party goes on.

I live to help people and in return I ask for nothing.. maybe I should start.

Lights, Camera, Action!

LIGHTS!


Getting pregnant at nineteen wasn't exactly my ideal plan in life. I'm a very traditional person and I wanted to traditional life scenario. You know, meet the ideal man -> have a world wind relationship -> get engaged -> get married -> have babies, and so on and so forth. Unfortunately that was not exactly how my plan had happened but I wouldn't change anything for the world. 


The moment I told anyone I was pregnant it felt like I was thrust into the spotlight. Everyone wanted to know as much about me as possible and I was the complete center of attention. I mean what woman wouldn't want to be, but still I understood the whole thing was because both families were excited about the impending bundle of joy. 


Being pregnant was absolutely wonderful. I enjoyed feeling my baby move within me and of course being waited on hand and foot. People were always asking me questions about what we were going to name her, what her last name would be, almost everything under the sun! 


I believe the strangest thing was how I was put on a pedestal by almost complete strangers as I was pregnant. I was expected to act a certain way, talk in a certain way, and even dress a certain way. It was a lot of pressure bringing another human being into this world.

CAMERA!

Having my daughter was possibly the most wonderful and nerve wracking thing I have ever done in my life. When people tell you about having children they only tell you all the bad things; how much it will hurt, how tired you will be, and how your life will never be the same. They never tell you that the second you see this tiny, crying, helpless person for the first time that you will fall in love with a complete stranger forever.


After twenty-four hours of laboring and ten minutes of pushing I was holding the most beautiful human being I've ever seen in my life. Even as I held her in my arms with everyone around me crying and emotional, I couldn't believe this tiny person was mine. I would love her until my dying breath.


After coming home for the first few days, I felt like everyone was watching me on the television. You know, people are watching you and wanting to say something but the characters on the television won't hear you so you keep your mouth shut. I was a new mom, terrified, and it seemed like every time I did something that anyone wouldn't actually do I could feel them tense.


I was being watched and I felt an immense pressure because any wrong move could ruin this baby's life and it scared me more then anything in the world.


When you become a mother you start to live for another person instead of yourself.

ACTION!

With my daughter now edging closer and closer to be a year old I feel like I can finally breath. I have grown into a mother that I want to be. I have found things that work for both of us and I can tell she truly loves me. She is the light of my life and I can't even remember a time without her, even now just writing that makes me feel so emotional.

Growing as a mother and spouse has become one of the biggest challenges I have come to face. It is hard to find a balance between my daughter, my boyfriend, and myself. I've always been a people pleaser and now that I am on my own it has become increasing difficult to find a balance in my life.

I know that since having my daughter I have found myself neglecting me. I forget to shower, I always have my hair up, I have gained weight, have no sex drive, and have become an introvert. I now know that it is time for action. My goal is to become more active not only for myself but for both my daughter and my husband.

They both need me, if something were to happen to me I would fear for the both of them. I'm not necessarily saying that my husband is a bad father, quite the contrary I have seen him grow into such a loving an wonderful dad, it makes me love him all the more. But I would never want anyone else to take over my job and wife and mother.

My family, 

George, Natalie, & Haley are the most important people in my life...and always will be.

All the love's still there I just don't know what to do with it now

Thursday I left with Kyleigh, Gabriel, and her mom to go see Mayday Parade. The eight hour drive up there went off without a hitch. I had so much fun talking with Kyleigh and just driving and having a good time. The concert was absolutely amazing, unlike anything I've been to before. There was ton of pushing, dancing and we finally made it to the front of the stage. We were literally feet away from the band, it was so exciting!

When the concert was over we all got a hotel room and slept with the agreement to leave early in the morning. The trip back was the RIDE FROM HELL. Anything that could possibly go wrong did go wrong. I started driving since Kyleigh and her mom were so tired from the night before. I hit black ice and accidentally hit a One Way sign. Then a few hours later another patch and we completely spun out having to be towed out. The snow was coming down so incredibly bad that I genuinely was scared. 

Thankfully the closer we were to home the less snow there was. Unfortunately we also ran out of gas so had to wait for another tow truck to bring us gas. It was a long drive home but it was definitely something that I will never forget. 

Coming home both of us were having trouble with the men in our lives, George was ignoring me and Nick (Ky's boyfriend) was just being a jerk. I felt bad for her because her relationship reminds me similarly of my own, only she seems to think that she has no authority in her relationship. I hope that she soon realizes that she is just as important if not more then him within there relationship and if she is unhappy she can ALWAYS get out. I'm lucky enough to have more good days then bad with George. 

Anyways, finally getting home was great and I got to wash the 80lbs of sweat off of me from the concert. I missed Natalie-Bean so much. She is now refusing baby food and freely standing on her own. In fact, I cried when I seen her.  

Well that is the basic synopsis of my trip....fun but a long one. I missed Natalie and George but it was a good time as well.

My heart, My soul

My first blog post, I guess a good therapeutic tool.
After reading a friend's blog I have come to the realization that I keep so many things pent up within my life and I do not have an outlet in any shape or form. I do know that writing is something that has always been a way for me to get my feelings across, even if the person who is reading it doesn't understand what I'm saying.

A little information about myself.
My name is Haley and I am twenty-one years old. I have the brightest, most beautiful, and energetic nine month old ever. Natalie is my heart, my soul, and my world. I live in Michigan, unfortunately not for too much longer. I have a boyfriend of five years in August and we have a german shepard/golden retriever mix named Kanye. I'm going to school to become and elementary teacher, third grade to be more specific. I'm on a temporary hiatus from school however =/

Welp thats about all I could come up with for this first time blond entry.

Until next time,
Haley