Getting pregnant at nineteen wasn't exactly my ideal plan in life. I'm a very traditional person and I wanted to traditional life scenario. You know, meet the ideal man -> have a world wind relationship -> get engaged -> get married -> have babies, and so on and so forth. Unfortunately that was not exactly how my plan had happened but I wouldn't change anything for the world.
The moment I told anyone I was pregnant it felt like I was thrust into the spotlight. Everyone wanted to know as much about me as possible and I was the complete center of attention. I mean what woman wouldn't want to be, but still I understood the whole thing was because both families were excited about the impending bundle of joy.
Being pregnant was absolutely wonderful. I enjoyed feeling my baby move within me and of course being waited on hand and foot. People were always asking me questions about what we were going to name her, what her last name would be, almost everything under the sun!
I believe the strangest thing was how I was put on a pedestal by almost complete strangers as I was pregnant. I was expected to act a certain way, talk in a certain way, and even dress a certain way. It was a lot of pressure bringing another human being into this world.
CAMERA!
Having my daughter was possibly the most wonderful and nerve wracking thing I have ever done in my life. When people tell you about having children they only tell you all the bad things; how much it will hurt, how tired you will be, and how your life will never be the same. They never tell you that the second you see this tiny, crying, helpless person for the first time that you will fall in love with a complete stranger forever.
After twenty-four hours of laboring and ten minutes of pushing I was holding the most beautiful human being I've ever seen in my life. Even as I held her in my arms with everyone around me crying and emotional, I couldn't believe this tiny person was mine. I would love her until my dying breath.
After coming home for the first few days, I felt like everyone was watching me on the television. You know, people are watching you and wanting to say something but the characters on the television won't hear you so you keep your mouth shut. I was a new mom, terrified, and it seemed like every time I did something that anyone wouldn't actually do I could feel them tense.
I was being watched and I felt an immense pressure because any wrong move could ruin this baby's life and it scared me more then anything in the world.
When you become a mother you start to live for another person instead of yourself.
ACTION!
With my daughter now edging closer and closer to be a year old I feel like I can finally breath. I have grown into a mother that I want to be. I have found things that work for both of us and I can tell she truly loves me. She is the light of my life and I can't even remember a time without her, even now just writing that makes me feel so emotional.
Growing as a mother and spouse has become one of the biggest challenges I have come to face. It is hard to find a balance between my daughter, my boyfriend, and myself. I've always been a people pleaser and now that I am on my own it has become increasing difficult to find a balance in my life.
I know that since having my daughter I have found myself neglecting me. I forget to shower, I always have my hair up, I have gained weight, have no sex drive, and have become an introvert. I now know that it is time for action. My goal is to become more active not only for myself but for both my daughter and my husband.
They both need me, if something were to happen to me I would fear for the both of them. I'm not necessarily saying that my husband is a bad father, quite the contrary I have seen him grow into such a loving an wonderful dad, it makes me love him all the more. But I would never want anyone else to take over my job and wife and mother.
My family,
George, Natalie, & Haley are the most important people in my life...and always will be.
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